i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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