i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
