You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
