ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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