i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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