Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
