I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
