so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
