he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The air was thick with penises
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
