That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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