i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Holy sore nipples Batman
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
