now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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