I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
