if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Randomize
