If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
