All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
