I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
