i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
