Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
