and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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