I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
