i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
