Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
