Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
