I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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