In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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