You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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