No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
