i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
