I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
