I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
