Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
