I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
