I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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