Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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