he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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