Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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