I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
