you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
