She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
