My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
