Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
