worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
