my phone needs a breathalizer
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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