Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
