I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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