I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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