So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
