Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
