some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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