Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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