i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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