the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
