It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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