Moan for me like Helen Keller
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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